Friday, June 28, 2013

Confessions of Mama D

I anticipate that as I continue on in my journey of mamahood, wifeyhood and adulthood (just go with it), I will divulge oodles of confessions to my peers, family and friends. All with keeping in mind that we're human. We're learning as we go. And we're sometimes lazy.

Today's confessions are just ones on my mind that will perhaps make others feel much better about themselves (you're welcome). Or, they'll let you know that you're not alone.

Confessions of Mama D:
  1. When my child wakes up at ungodly hours of the morning, I gently lift him onto my bed, ask how he slept and then attentively reach for the iPad and turn on Yo Gabba Gabba, Wheels on the Bus, Blue's Clues, or any other crack-inspired-toddler-approved show. Then I go back to sleep.
  2. My child firmly believes that I am literally a rock-star. He thinks that when mommy goes to work, she sings all day. I have absolutely no intention of bursting his flattering, yet unrealistic idea of my vocation and will more than likely fuel the fire with made- up stories about world tours and Grammy's. (I'm going to have to get acquainted with a trophy store soon.)
  3. I bribe my toddler with sweets so he behaves, finishes meals and goes potty.  I also lay on thick amounts of yummy flavored lip gloss so that he gives me kisses.  
  4. I still eat Top Ramen. Then I swell up like a pumpkin and drink about 3 gallons of water and remember why I shouldn't eat Top Ramen. But then I eat Top Ramen again. Mmmm sodi-YUM.
  5. My son frequently runs amuck whilst in public and I think it's funny.
  6. Sometimes, when we're at a playground, I size up other peoples' kids and consider how my son would do in a wrestling match against them.  For the record: He's undefeated.
  7. Clothes are re-worn until they no longer pass the sniff test. This is applicable to every member of my family.
  8. I strongly discourage interest in dinosaurs purely because I have no personal interest in them and would rather not ever have to pretend like they're cool.
  9. I taught my 2 and a half year old how to give back tickles and am hoping to graduate to back rubs soon. 
  10. I size up the other mommies at the playground too and try to envision the results of a smack down between us. For the record: I, too, am undefeated. 
Bad parenting. Feel free to judge.
If you'd like to air out any of your own confessions, this is judge-free zone. Confess away, friends.

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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

How many you got in there? A question only appropriate when in the context of any other situation outside of addressing a pregnant woman.

As many of you are aware, we're expecting little brother in September.  Let me first say that I really am one of those sickening people who actually enjoy pregnancy.  I have not been sick with either pregnancy, haven't had many of the unpleasant side effects (outside of hormonal outbursts, but let's face it, that's just a fun excuse) and have actually been told that pregnancy looks good on me.  One of my favorite parts of being pregnant is that I get to wear form fitting clothes that I would never dare wear without that little bun in the oven and people actually swoon.  

No unwanted swelling like this...

Or any other super unpleasant hormonal side effects like this hot mess...
Amanda Bynes crazy video

Second pregnancies are different in that you start showing much sooner, and you basically feel about 4 weeks ahead of where you are.  The one main side effect that I can say is the most unpleasant, is interactions with word-vomiting humans.  
"How many you got in there?"
Why would I lie about how many babies are in utero? Well apparently, people think that I am a Puppy Surprise, circa 1991 where I may or may not just shove out a whole litter.  Unfortunately, this shocking, yet ridiculous question has been asked more than once. I recently had a woman so baffled that I'm not having twins that she asked it more than once within a 45 second time span.

Needless to say, I felt awesome for the rest of the day.

Rest assured, I went home remembering that pregnancy is only temporary.  Feeble mindedness is permanent.